I watch a lot of late night TV.  Fortunately, I watch it during the day.

Basic cable channels repeat their shows at night.  You could say it’s because there is not enough programming to fill fifty thousand cable channels.  And you would be right.

But me, I consider the convenience.  I can plug my shows into the DVR before I go to bed, then watch them the next day.

There is one problem, though.  These late night commercials are really lacking in imagination and production value.

Instead of famous people and snazzy special effects, as is the preference with prime time commercials, these late night gems rely on giant fonts and direct assaults on one of my five basic senses.

First, there are the ads that appeal to my sense of lust.  They have women of questionable legal age telling me how much fun I will have if I pick up the phone and call some number.  Do it now!

Well, I would love to believe that every girl on this chat line will be as hot as them.  I would love to believe that I could find Miss Right (or even Miss Right Now) with a simple phone call.  I would love to believe it’s not going to be a bunch of lonely guys talking to a few professionals at five bucks a minute.

But I don’t.

Plus there is this thing called The Internet, where you get pictures too…

Next is my sense of greed.  Every fourth commercial is a lawyer telling me I could be entitled to some money.  All I need is a bad hip transplant, fallen vaginal mesh, infection after surgery, or other stuff I can’t pronounce.  They list symptoms so broad that even I could qualify for a fallen vaginal mesh.  (They don’t list the vagina.)

Others appeal to my sense of vengeance.  If I was injured in an accident, I should sue whoever hit me, because it wasn’t my fault, and these kind lawyers only want to help me get what I deserve.  (The emphasis is theirs.)

It’s empowering to know if I can’t sue a doctor, I can still sue ordinary people.

Then there is my sense of fear.  Pharmaceutical companies have ads that list ten symptoms and if I have three of them it means I have this horrible disease and I should mention some official-sounding drug to my doctor next time I see him… which had better be tomorrow.

Problem is all these drugs start to sound the same.  Best to just mention them all.

And let’s not forget the long list of side effects that sound worse than the disease.  The commercial reels them off in a soothing voice against soothing music while showing beautiful scenes of beautiful people doing beautiful things.

I don’t care if Xylosferitrapitol is an anti-depressant that can cause depression — I want to look like those people!  Give me some of that!

Next is my sense of ignorance.  These guys tell me they know why my PC is running slowly. It seems fine to me… but now that you mention it, yeah, it should be faster.  It’s a computer, right?

Of course these guys have the cure.  Just buy this free program (you only pay shipping and handling) and let it run roughshod all over your computer and look through all your data and do God-knows-what with your bank accounts and family pictures.

Fortunately, I’m not ignorant.  I know this free program will actually slow my PC down by loading it with crapware, and they will sell my data to the highest bidder.

Of course if I don’t like it, I can send the free program back.  I only have to pay shipping and handling again.

Word of advice: don’t use anything for your computer that is advertised on TV.  A quick scan of the interwebs for things like ‘removing crapware’ or ‘scan for malware’ will find lots of advice from well respected places for removing crap from your computer.  And Windows users — don’t forget the one from Microsoft, which is free and offers some of the best protection out there.

Oops, I almost forgot my sixth sense.  Some guys have ESP.  They can read my mind.

Three commercials in a row declare they know why I’m awake.  They each give different reasons… but they are all wrong.

I am not awake because I am worrying about fitting into my pants, or because I owe the IRS money, or because I want pancakes in the morning.

I am awake because I am watching this in the middle of the day.

So they can’t really read minds.  A pity.

That is something that would actually interest me.

P.S. when I googled “vaginal mesh” the top hit was a Wikipedia page explaining it was to correct female genital prolapse.  The other hits were all lawyers.  From this I conclude that lawyers make more money from this than doctors.  Or patients.

P.P.S. stay away from phone sex.  It causes hearing AIDS! 😛